Marcuson’s Church Leadership Blog:

I caught up on my stack of Christian Century issues on a recent plane trip, and was particularly struck by an article by Martin Copenhaver, pastor at Wellesley Congregational Church called “Slings and Arrows.” It’s an honest look at how he himself, and so many other pastors, struggle with criticism. He says, “Because of its uncanny ability to expose one’s weaknesses, the ministry is not an easy fit for those who are particularly sensitive to criticism. But in my experience, people who are particularly well tuned in to what those around them are thinking and feeling are the ones most likely to be told, ‘You ought to think about going into the ministry.’”

Copenhaver also astutely points out that praise is an equal challenge for pastors. “Everyone likes to be praised at least once in a while. But beware the pastor who needs too much praise.” He suggests, “for the pastor, criticism and praise are twin imposters. Both are to be approached warily, because both can deceive and both can mislead.”

The balance is tricky to find. We do need to pay attention to feedback, but when we are dependent on it for our sense of ourselves, we’re in trouble.

Israel Galindo is doing a series of posts on his blog based on our conversation last month about triangles: click here to see them.

What happens when you lose touch with yourself? Sunday evening my husband wanted to watch the movie The Kid (2000), starring Bruce Willis. It’s a Disney movie with some depth, about a hard-driving consultant who is shocked when his eight-year-old self (charmingly played by Spencer Breslin) shows up. In the process he is forced to face parts of his story he has forgotten, including important losses and important dreams. I’ve watched this movie at least half a dozen times, and I never get tired of it. Nice performances by Emily Mortimer, Lily Tomlin and Jean Smart, as well.

Rob Schachter’s comments on yesterday’s teleconference have kept me thinking. As an organizational consultant to both businesses and nonprofits, he offered a wide perspective on leadership and purpose. He emphasized the importance of the leader paying attention both to what’s going on inside, and to what’s going on outside in the group and the wider context.

He gave a terrific little formula (which is far more than a formula) for starting a conversation about purpose with those we lead. First, say, “Here’s what I think.” Then ask, “What do you think?” And the more you can ask for individual perspectives, at least initially, the better. But the leader really needs to go first. He said, “Represent yourself, and engage as many ‘I’s’ [individuals] as you can.” This made me think about the way we often press for an early consensus out of anxiety — which can make for less ownership of the direction and goals, and unpleasant surprises later (”I thought they were on board with this…”).

He encourages the leaders he works with to ask for help from their followers, and to get feedback from them along the way: “How am I doing?” He also recommends they set individual goals for their own functioning (for example, not to get defensive in a particular meeting).

The recording of the teleconference is available. E-mail me at Margaret@margaretmarcuson.com, and I’ll send you the link.

Join me this Thursday, June 18, at 9 Pacific/10 Mountain/11 Central/noon Eastern Time for a one hour conference call conversation with Rob Schachter on the topic, “Do You Know Your Purpose?”

Rob Schachter is in private practice assisting organizational leaders to achieve the changes they envision and build around them the shared leadership to sustain their results. His roots are in parish based community organizing in Chicago where he learned the nuts and bolts of mobilizing a constituency for change, later supplemented by a Masters in behavioral sciences with an emphasis on managing complexity in relationships and organizations. As a student of Edwin Friedman he developed a perspective on emotional process that underscores the importance of managing ‘anxiety hotspots’ as nothing short of a primary survival skill of leadership. Find out more at rbsconsulting.org.

This is the next in a series of conversations with leaders on the subject of my new book, Leaders Who Last: Sustaining Yourself and Your Ministry (Seabury, 2009)

E-mail me at Margaret@margaretmarcuson.com with your interest, and I’ll send you call-in information. .If you can’t make the call, a recording will be available. There is no charge for the teleconference or the recording.

I hope you can make it Thursday!

“…just do your job, then let go.” – Tao te Ching

How clear are you on your leadership purpose? An essential part of your job as a leader is defining your purpose for yourself. This includes big questions like: why am I here? What do I want my legacy to be? You also need to consider the short-term purposes in your leadership role. For example, if you are new to your role, your immediate purpose is to get well connected with people. This year, some leaders are finding their short-term purpose is helping their organization survive the current economic crisis. Over time, you can develop your thinking about where you would like to head as a leader and how you might like to see that happen.

Your position in the organization affects your purpose. If you are the leader at the top, you have the opportunity (and challenge) of articulating a broad-ranging purpose for the organization. Whether president, pastor, principal or parent, you are in charge. If you are in a subordinate role, you take your purpose in part from whatever powers that be. When you’re in the middle, it’s just as important to think through your purpose for yourself. Whatever your position, here are questions to ask: Why did you take this job? Why are you staying? What do you want to accomplish?

Clarifying your purpose means you must focus on yourself, at least for a time. Spend some time alone, doing the hard work of thinking through your own direction. Those you lead deserve the benefit of your own thoughtful consideration of your leadership. It’s the best gift you can give them.

As you develop clarity, tell people what you are thinking. Think of it as self-definition: “I think” “I believe” “I want to.” How clearly can you articulate your own hopes and dreams and direction? Then pay close attention to the feedback you get. Are they confused? Excited? Angry? Intrigued? How do you think about this response? What do you need to say further? Try to clarify, avoiding anxiety and defensiveness as much as possible.

Finally, let go of the outcome. You are issuing an invitation to people to follow. You cannot force them. Their participation is voluntary, and they must choose to follow. The paradox is that the more we can let go, the more likely we are to get a positive outcome. It may not be exactly the picture we have dreamed of. But when we get clear on our purpose, share that purpose with others, and make adjustments along the way, we can move forward toward new possibility.

As a Baptist, I don’t use The Book of Common Prayer regularly. But in the work I sometimes do with Episcopal leaders, I do come back to it from time to time. And one of my favorite prayers is from the service called “A Form of Commitment to Christian Service.” It’s not specifically for leaders, but I do think this prayer is particularly appropriate for leaders. I especially like the phrase “courage, patience and vision.”

I’m offering this today as a prayer for all of you who read this blog.

Almighty God, look with favor upon these people who have now reaffirmed their commitment to follow Christ and to serve in his name. Give them courage, patience, and vision; and strengthen us all in our Christian vocation of witness to the world, and of service to others; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Here’s a fascinating article from Mouth magazine (tagline: Voice of the Disability Magazine) by Joe Ehman, titled, “My Contaminated Smile.” He talks provocatively about helping from the perspective of both giving and receiving, and the complications of both.

In Thursday’s teleconference with Israel Galindo, he offered some terrific suggestions for how leaders can better managing themselves in triangles:

1. Assume that whenever you are speaking with someone, you are in a triangle. Nothing is every simply about just you and the other person.

2. If I’m pastoring a congregation, the way most of my congregation relate to me is from the position of pastor first and individual second. We experience a lot of projection from our church members, not because of us personally, but because we occupy the position of leader.

3. Take out Friedman’s book and memorize the eight laws of triangles. (See Edwin Friedman, Generation to Generation , 35-39.)

4. Learn to discern how you personally experience intense triangles (for example, becoming overwhelmed by feelings or becoming confused). Learn to know your own family of origin patterns around triangles.

5. If you find yourself stuck in a triangle, take paper and pencil and start to diagram the triangles. You will get a little more distance and be better able to see the dynamics at play in the triangles.

The recording of the teleconference is available. E-mail me at Margaret@margaretmarcuson.com, and I’ll send you the link.

Here’s a terrific article from Jane Brody of the New York Times on overreacting to things we can’t control or are a minimal threat to us. She quotes British statistician Stuart Briscoe, “…there are serious emotional, social and economic costs to panic,” Mr. Briscoe, a London-based economist for The Financial Times, said in an interview. “We’d be a lot happier if we insisted that people prove their case before making dire pronouncements. We shouldn’t be wasting time worrying about a lot of stupid things,” and should focus instead on hazards we can do something about.